This is more of a rant than some high-minded article. It’s a series of complaints. I am newly single, so I get to write about breakups now. I get to moan about breakups. Here we go:
Being single sucks
Yup, most of the pages I’ve read on being single use words like “opportunity”, “self-discovery”, and “freedom”. What a bunch of bollocks. Truth is, you don’t learn a damn thing about yourself when you’re single. You tend to set your life up to be as comfortable as possible. Where the hell is the learning in that? You only get to know who you are when there’s someone challenging you every day with their weirdness, perspectives, phobias, and baggage. I was single for one long 8 year stint. I cultivated a belief that I was just the greatest guy. When I eventually got into a relationship I quickly discovered that I was a sack of shit. I had to up my game big time. I had to try. I had to commit to trying every single day. It made me a better person. Don’t give me this “single is better” horseshit.
Here is why relationships are worth it. Life is hard. It’s dreary drudgery. But there are these moments. When your lover is lying in your arms and her presence overwhelms your senses. There’s this whole other person that has thoughts and feelings and ideas, and everything that’s ever happened in her life (and in yours) has led up to this one perfect moment. It doesn’t matter if she calls you a stupid bastard the next day. You smile, you forgive her (or she forgives you), and you move on.
You do not have those moments when you are single. You have to distract yourself with endless hobbies and ‘missions’. But life is fleeting. If you’ve never had a moment like the one I’ve described, I’m sorry. Save your “single is amazing” fanfare. It isn’t. It’s tolerable, often necessary, but never amazing.
I am also not saying you should jump into relationships or centre your life around getting into one. I’m just saying, being single is like eating ice cream without any chocolate sauce, outside in the snow, while a group of hipsters stands around you showing you their vinyl collections consisting of obscure bands you’ve never heard of. It’s barely tolerable. Wait until someone shows up with a hipster-hacking machete. Life will get better.
I still love her
I was the dumpee, not the dumper. That is a massive disadvantage. The dumper is like the person that goes “oh shit, this sucks, I better lose this guy fast.”
They then start the grieving process and the getting over it process before the dumpee even gets the news. The dumpee often gets a nasty surprise.
As a dumpee, you’re always at least 3 weeks behind the dumper. They start feeling joy and contentment again, and you’re looking at them thinking “how could you?”
But, give it 3 weeks and you’ll be there too. They might begin to feel regret or longing. You might think, “lol, what a loser, they miss me.”
But give it 3 weeks, and you’ll be right there too. A dumpee/dumper relationship takes any lack of alignment in the bf/gf relationship and makes it 1000 times worse.
But the worst of the worst is that very often, the dumpee still loves and is in love with the dumper. That, that is rough. Lying awake and thinking of her. Day-dreaming about her. Even if the relationship was doomed to fail, shit, you can’t help it. This was your person, and now she’s not. So, not only are you out of sync, but you also have feelings for someone that probably doesn’t really have the same feelings for you anymore. It’s the ultimate fuckshow.
Get her back
This is where I take issue. The division between men and women is pretty clear here. Male-oriented “get her back” websites teach you things like be an “alpha male” and implement the “no contact rule”. It’s all very manipulative. Women’s sites tend to tell the girls, “show him what he’s missing.”
What the holy shit is an alpha male? It’s utter bullshit, that’s what it is. Why would you manipulate someone’s feelings? Because you’re an asshole. Why would you want to make someone jealous? Because you’re not a good person.
So, what does a good person do? Firstly, you don’t try to get your ex back. Jesus Christ. She said “I don’t want to be with you.”
What must you do? That’s very plain English. I’m not saying give up. Just repeat after me, “If I got another chance with her, and things were better, I’d take it.”
That’s all. That way, if somewhere down the road your paths cross, and things look good, you can remember you said that and try again. Maybe it’ll work. But don’t live for that moment. It may never happen.
Don’t make any decisions
Fuck, if I had my way I would have called in sick for a month. I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near people. I’m moody, irritable, and generally stressed out. First of all, two days after the breakup, I decided to move back to my hometown. Three weeks later and I’m thinking that maybe I don’t want to go back to my hometown. The reasons that I’m moving are really good ones, but still, I could have waited a month. I could have waited until the maelstrom of feelings had settled, right? But I didn’t. So I might end up with a decision that I’ll regret.
Just move on
What? Are you fucking kidding me? Look, I realise that sometime in the future I may hear about my dumper’s new relationship. That’s great if she moves on. Right now, I feel like it would kill me, but hopefully there’s been some time between this end and her new beginning that I can get over it and be truly happy for her. Right now, I don’t want to touch another woman with a ten-foot pole. Why? Because in case you’re skimming, recheck point 2. Remind me how it’s so fair to have a rebound relationship? To use someone? Yeah? Fuck you. Fuck you and your dumb society.
Breakups are hard. I miss her. I don’t want to miss her. But my mind wanders, and I remember the moments. The realisations. The kisses. And I want those things. I want her. Because she wasn’t some hideous dragon full of evil. She was my wolfie. And the sadness of not being together is something that I will have to carry.
That’s how you deal with a breakup. There are no rules or magical fixes. You suck it up. You forgive. You try to make the best of it.